


long story short

by cityofflights



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Asexual Character, Heart-to-Heart, Hopeful Ending, Light Angst, M/M, mentions of internalized acephobia, post-s22e04 Sightless in a Savage Land
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-21
Updated: 2021-02-21
Packaged: 2021-03-18 12:22:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,355
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29609364
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cityofflights/pseuds/cityofflights
Summary: “I’m asexual”He waits a few seconds for Sonny to say something but when that doesn’t happen he talks again.“It’s different for everyone, but I don’t experience any sexual attraction nor do I wish to engage in sexual activities. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you earlier, I want to be with you even if only for a short period of time, it was selfish” he says it all in what he hopes is an even voice tone while looking straight ahead. Rafael knows that if he looks Sonny in the way the man will be able to see all his fear and anxiety over this matter and the last thing he wants is for Sonny to feel guilty.
Relationships: Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr.
Comments: 5
Kudos: 53





	long story short

**Author's Note:**

> for the prompt ace Rafael

They were lying on the couch together, legs tangled under the blanket and a movie playing on the TV in front of them. Rafael was resting his head on Sonny’s chest while the man softly combed his hair with his fingers. It’s a quiet night, much like all the other ones they’ve spent together in their short yet intense courtship. 

After the trial that had put them up against each other, Rafae had reached out to Sonny and asked him out on a date, finally fixing the only regret he had after leaving New York almost 3 years ago. The man had almost immediately said yes and so they had started going out, and more than the start of a new relationship it felt more like the continuance of something deeper, a feeling left on pause for so long, that now had the chance to reach its fullest potential.

That first date had been almost two months ago. Now they were together every other day but Rafael still felt like it could all be taken away from him in the blink of an eye. 

“Can I say something?” The comfortable silence is broken by Rafael’s question.

“Of course” Sonny paused the movie in order to give him his full attention, something he always did whenever.

“I’ve always wanted to be like this with you. Even when you had that questionable facial hair and most of our interaction consisted of me teasing you about night school, I always secretly hoped we would end up like thing, together, in each other’s arms” he has to look away from Sonny as he says the last part. He’s working on expressing his feelings and letting himself be vulnerable but it isn’t always easy and he finds it more manageable if he doesn’t have to immediately face the result his words have.

Not that he has anything to worry about, Sonny had said on multiple occasions how much he loved his blurted-out romantic declarations and how proud he was of Rafael for trying to work on it. It eased the fear of being called too needy or clingy as he had in the past. Besides Sonny’s smile was worth it.

“Oh yeah? Spent a lot of time thinking about being in my arms Counselor?” he pulled him further into the embrace and Rafael went gladly.

“As a matter of fact I did, always knew you would be the perfect pillow”

“Hmm” 

“What?” he looks inquisitively at Sonny who in turn is looking at him like he’s a particularly hard puzzle he doesn’t know how to crack yet.

“Nothing, I guess I just thought you were going to say you’ve always wanted to sleep with me or something like that, not you know cuddle,” Rafael tensed up as soon as the words fell from Sonny’s lips, and while he was quick to try and relax again the other man still noticed something was off and he tried to step back “Not that there’s anything wrong with cuddling, It’s great, I love it, you know I love it-”

“Sonny, you’re rambling” he places a hand on his cheek to calm him down. 

“Sorry” Sonny still looks nervous like Rafael might leave and never come back any minute now.

“It’s alright. But there’s something we need to talk about and I understand if you no longer wish to pursue a relationship with me once I tell you” he hates the concerned look on Sonny’s face, hates how he reaches for him because it might be the last time he does so, hates himself for not being like everyone else.

“C’mon Raf, are you a murderer or somethin’?” Sonny tries to crack a joke but Rafael can only muster a slight tug of lips.

His hands are clammy and his heart is trying to claw its way out of his throat and every fiber in his body is screaming at him to turn back. To make an excuse. To try and buy more time. To not ruin the single best thing that ever happened to him. But he can’t. He already feels like he somehow deceived Sonny into dating him, as he tricked him into being with him with false hopes. His guilt would only grow if he didn’t take this opportunity to finally come clean.

“I’m asexual”

He waits a few seconds for Sonny to say something but when that doesn’t happen he talks again.

“It’s different for everyone, but I don’t experience any sexual attraction nor do I wish to engage in sexual activities. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you earlier, I want to be with you even if only for a short period of time, it was selfish” he says it all in what he hopes is an even voice tone while looking straight ahead. Rafael knows that if he looks Sonny in the way the man will be able to see all his fear and anxiety over this matter and the last thing he wants is for Sonny to feel guilty.

“No” it comes out in a soft whisper and Rafael waits for him to elaborate but he doesn’t.

“No? No what?”

“No, it wasn’t selfish and you had no obligation to tell me any early that you did. And no I definitely don’t want us to break up”

“Oh. You don’t?” 

“Of course not, Raf I’ve been in love with you for the better part of a decade, the thought that you might feel for me a fragment of what I know I feel for you makes me so happy, like my chest is going to explode. I want to be with you, you’re all I want and more. And I want you as you are, not as how I or anyone else think you should be. So It doesn’t matter if you don’t want to have sex ever. All that matters is that we’re together.”

“You really mean it”

“Yeah I really do”

He knows all he should be feeling right now is relief but a part of him refuses to trust that this is really happening. Sonny’s words sounded too much like the scenarios he would set up on his mind late at night when the thoughts of loneliness got too loud, when the idea of never finding some who would accept him and love him as he was seemed too much like a reality. 

His lingering doubts must be written all over his face because Sonny turns his full body in his direction and holds his shaking hands. 

Rafael hadn’t even noticed he was shaking.

Sonny is looking still looking at him and still not talking and if he didn’t feel like he was about to pass out from the stress he might have made a comment about how he didn’t know silence was a thing he was capable of. Rafael knows Sonny won’t press him, if he says he doesn’t want to talk about it anymore Sonny will just hold him close and change the subject. Maybe it’s that knowledge and the safeness that accompanies it that makes him choose the other way.

He takes a deep breath to steady himself and start.

He tells him about his past relationships, how some ended before they really started, how some lasted but ultimately just didn’t work out. He tells him about his fears, the countless nights he spent wondering if something was wrong with him. He tells him about finding others like him, about learning what love meant to him, about acceptance. He tells him everything, some of them being heard by someone for the first time.

He tells him and Sonny listens.

He listens and holds his hand and encourages him to continue with small nods and loving smiles.

When he’s done he takes another deep breath and says “Are you still sure you don’t want to break up with me?” It’s meant as a joke but after hearing Rafael pouring his heart out for hours Sonny recognizes the need for reassurance.

“I think I might have fallen more for you if I’m being honest”

And this time not a part of him doubts it.


End file.
